I Love to Eat

(to audience)
YOU THINK I’M AN ANIMAL;
YOU THINK THAT I’M DUMB,
BUT I’VE GOT SMARTS, AND I DON’T LIVE LIKE A BUM.
A RASCALLY SON OF A SON OF A GUN
HEY, I WAS BORN WITH TWO OPPOSABLE THUMBS,
AND I CAN LIFT UP LATCHES,
TREES: (echoing) (… LIFT UP LATCHES)
DANIEL: UNTIE KNOTS,
TREES: (..UNTIE KNOTS,)
DANIEL: AND I CAN RAID YOUR TRASHCANS –
TREES: (…RAID YOUR TRASHCANS!)
DANIEL: MY FAVORITE DININGSPOTS:

OH, I LOVE TO EAT.
THE WORLD IS MY OWN PRIVATE OYSTER.
I LOVE THE SWEET SMELL
OF EGGSHELLS
AND MOLDY GORGONZOLA.

(picks out items from trashcan)

HAVE A SEAT!
BON APPETITE!
THERE’S TUNA FISH –
A NOBLE DISH –
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S RIPENED FOR A DAY.

ROASTED CHICKEN!
TREES: (ROASTED CHICKEN!)
DANIEL: ORANGE PEELS!
TREES: (ORANGE PEELS!)
DANIEL: TRASHCANS ARE SUCH GOOD PICKIN’S
TREES: (SUCH GOOD PICKIN’S)
DANIEL: FOR FINGER-LICKIN’ MEALS!

OH, I LIVE TO EAT.
THE WORLD IS MY OWN BOWL OF CHERRIES
WHITE BREAD OR WHOLEWHEAT
WITH SLICED MEAT –
IT’S WONDERFUL! IT’S ELEGANT! LET’S EAT!!

(spoken to audience:
Pardon me. Would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?)
[or; “Uh … Are you gonna finish that?”]